10 Great Football Names

I was watching a Sevilla match recently, and was inspired by Duscher (pronounced Douché!) to list some funny footballer names.The rules are simple: The footballer must have a Wikipedia entry, and his name must be funny for a 12-year old English speaker to say out loud.

Aldo DuscherAldo Duscher

So here they are:

Aldo DuscherAldo Duscher

Aldo Duscher, currently plays for Sevilla FC. This is the Duscher who started my quest to find giggly footballer names.
Andrei ArshavinAndrei Arshavin

Andre Arshavin, who, appropriately, plays for ARSEnal. Good thing he’s Russian, ’cause with a name like Arse-Shavin’, he would have had a horrible childhood in England. This guy must be on any list of funny soccer names.
Nicolas DouchezNicolas Douchez

Yes, another Douchez. This Douchez is French. Another funny footballer name for sure. Douchez! Douchez! Douchez!

Kaká is only funny in English, ’cause if you speak Portuguese or some other language that uses accents, Kaká sounds different than Kaka. But hey, Kaká is still a funny name. It’s short for Ricardo.
Stefan KuntzStefan Kuntz

Stefan Kuntz is another footballer who would not have survived a childhood in an English-speaking country without psychological trauma. The German footballer is now a sporting director for VfL Bochum.
Rafael ScheidtRafael Scheidt

Rafael Scheidt is an obvious funny name, even if you mispronounce it. Maybe it’s funnier with a German accent.
Milan FukalMilan Fukal

Milan Fuckal is a Czech Footballer who plays for Austrian team Kapfenberger SV, which is also a funny team name. So what does he contribute to his team’s performance? Fukal.
Brian PinasBrian Pinas

Brian Pinas. Teeheehee. Pinas! You can imagine the nicknames this Dutch footballer would have had on an English-speaking team.
Uwe FuchsUwe Fuchs

Tee Hee Hee! Uwe Fuchs is a German footballer who now manages Wuppertaler SV Borussia. He did play in England for a couple of teams in the mid-90s. Imagine the chants!
Bernt HaasBernt Haas

Finally, Bernt Haas is a Swiss footballer who currently plays for FC St. Gallen. He also spent a couple of years in England with West Brom. I guess the constant giggling over his name finally got to him and he moved back to Switzerland.

  • I wonder if the fans chant “Chung Yoo Suk!” when he is on the field? I couldn’t find a photo of Chung Yoo Suk. So I couldn’t include him on the list. Too bad. What an awesome name.
  • Francisco Arce, a Paraguayan footballer, is also known as Chiqui Arce. While it’s a really funny name, the wikipedia page doesn’t mention his nickname, so he’s stuck in the honourable mention list. Besides, I think he recently retired.
  • I couldn’t find a good photo of Christ Bongo. A Google Images search of that term just turns up photos of Rastafarians playing bongos.